" Ninety percent of who we are is internal, and only ten percent is outside of us" -- Anonymous
Think of Honesty and Integrity as sisters. Honesty is truthful and is well respected because she lives truth in her heart and offers it to others without compromise. Integrity believes in wholeness, goodness, and excellence, and is willing to serve as a praiseworthy example for others. Both are held in high regard. Practicing honesty and integrity is a two-fold gift. The first gift is seeing yourself as honest and having a high level of integrity. The second gift is offering your honesty and integrity to others. You become a respected person of integrity when you are unwilling to compromise your values.
I found the above on an educational website. It's actually the lead in for an assignment for children. These words describe something I ponder on a daily basis, and have, for much of my life.
Honesty and Integrity were part of my upbringing. I could not have been my parents child if they weren't two of the most important things in my life. Ironically enough, I have been given a life in which I have been faced time and time again with dilemmas concerning honesty and integrity. Life has taught me that choosing the option that is honest and holds integrity is almost always the most difficult and selfless decision, but holds within it the biggest rewards.
The biggest reward of all, in my opinion, is being able to look at yourself in the mirror and like who you are.
I have encountered lately, through our scholarship program, two separate situations in which the recipients of our scholarships have proven their lack of honesty and integrity.
As I look back at many of the relationships in my life through the years, it is easy in hindsight to recognize the people who lack these qualities.
What is happening in our society that these values are not embedded in the deepest parts of our souls? How do people lie to others, to themselves and look in the mirror each day? How do people not honor themselves, their loved ones, their obligations and responsibilities in life and still function?
I am at a point in which I am not certain that what we do at the foundation is having the necessary impact and that the recipients are grateful for that which they receive. Honesty and Integrity are the hardest things to screen people and organizations for and from individual students in the scholarship program (not all, but some) to some of the organizations receiving larger grants in our social wing, we have examples of both lacking these qualities. Is it worth it to dedicate so much to this anymore? The foundation used to be a labor of love. Now, it is becoming a burden of difficult problem after difficult problem all based in recipients lack of honesty and integrity.
From the IRS's point of view, they would love to see all the funds given away in one big sweep. Perpetual giving is not seen as the "most beneficial way to benefit society" I am told. Why then, continue to operate if the most common feeling after an award is that someone feels like they worked the system appropriately, got the money in their pocket and walks away without carrying through with their very small obligations in return? Philanthropy is all about getting a good feeling because you have done something good. I am wondering if we have been too generous, too soft, too trusting in humanity and in return instead of giving a beneficial grant, we have simply enabled a perpetuation of behavior lacking in honesty and integrity.
In the beginning, I marveled at how many people were trying to do good in the world. Now, five years later, with more knowledge and experience under my belt and exposure to the realities of many non profits, I question the moral fiber of humanity in general. I want a reason to believe people are more good than bad. I am looking for a reason to believe it is worth it to continue going "above and beyond" in the way we do. I want the world to show me that honesty and integrity are valued qualities. I want to believe in people.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
We've added a new member to our family. =) He's a beautiful 4 1/2 year old greyhound. Very laid back, sweet disposition, gentle and gets along great with our little chi. Such an amazing dog!
His name is Gordo, but after remembering that it means "fat" in Spanish, we might rename him, but we'll see.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
**spoiler within, just in case you want to read the book**
I just read an amazing book. Loving Frank by Nancy Horan. Although technically fiction, it tells the story of Frank Lloyd-Wright and his "mistress" Mamah Borthwick- how they got involved, as much of the story as can be pieced together from the tidbits left through time and the public reaction to it all. I was totally enthralled throughout the entire novel and loved it.
The book has some amazing lessons to teach people.
I found it interesting when I went to amazon.com and read the reviews of this book. I felt sadness as I read through the bad reviews and noticed how many completely missed the book and were all about judging the lives of these two people. Why is it that need to morally judge people overrides the ability to give kudos to a good author in the minds of so many people?
When I first learned of this book, a friend recommended it as one of the books she'd actually read twice. When I heard that, I had to read it as I know of very few books I would read twice. I have to agree, I would read it again too! The interesting thing was, when she gave me this recommendation, the person standing with us could only make the comment that "Frank Lloyd-Wright was a selfish so and so". Here I stood with the real life example of what I was noticed later on amazon.com's reviews! A person recognizing the merit of the book, and another who only wanted to interject their negative opinion because the person's life in the book did not agree with her own moral standards.
Within this book, which is set in the very early 1900's, you see how two people made marriage choices that they eventually learned were not good choices. They chose to go against society's strict pressures and live authentically, with the person they loved, despite only one having obtained a divorce (long story which I would not judge without being in those shoes either). Society publicly chastised them and attempted to ostracize them in every way possible and it was a single personification of that exact hatred that led to the death of Mamah Borthwick.
I have constantly been amazed at how people find it so hard to "live and let live". Why is it so important to some people that everyone believe and live exactly as they do? Why does it matter so much? Why is fitting into society's sense of morality so much more important than being honest, accepting people for who they are and loving people unconditionally? Why is hate so prevalent? When it doesn't affect you, if you don't like how someone lives, don't live that way, simple as that. Why is that so difficult?
"Right" and "wrong" have always been subjective issues. What is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. I like to think our world is getting better around these types of things as compared to the past.. let's hope.
I look around and it only takes a few searches on the web to see examples of the type of hatred personified in this story still living on today. Love is a positive emotion. Why would someone be filled with such hatred that they could see the emotion of love and use it as a basis to kill just because it doesn't appear "right" to them? I guess humans are still animals.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I believe that everything has a reason. Sometimes it is not enjoyable, or what I want it to be, but there is something to be gained or learned from every experience we go through.
When I set off to Italy, I was very excited. I envisioned our trip being relaxed, enjoyable and fun. I envisioned daily journaling sessions within a safe environment and because we had such a small group, I imagined our guide would have everything planned out such that there would be smooth transitions and extensive knowledge of the country. Somewhere along the line, I had gathered our guide had extensive language capabilities, so I expected her to have comfort and ease communicating with the locals, and to act as a translator for my travel mate and me if need be since even with the study I had done, my Italian was still extremely basic.
I tried very hard to have no expectations beyond this, but as I learned, no matter how hard you try, you have expectations of behavior regardless. One expects all people to be respectful towards each other, act like adults and be relaxed.. after all, this was a vacation.
Expectations are the roadway to disaster. Even me with my meager expectations was completely disappointed, but I am digging to the depths of my soul to find the silver lining of the journey and the lessons learned therefrom. Here is what I have found thus far:
1) Always ask for references from anyone you will travel with. When you speak to those references, ask those references for other references of people who traveled with your potential guide. Odds are, the once removed reference will give the most realistic view of what to expect.
2) If you have not traveled with someone before, do not go unless the group has a minimum of five others. Difficult personalities can be passed around in large groups thus making a journey tolerable. Small groups force intimacy, and there are people to whom intimacy is equal to a foreign language and thus the situation will breed problems.
3) Always have gum or mints available to offer those travelers in your group that have halitosis. Also, if you are constantly being offered gum or mints, you need to ask yourself if it is you that is suffering from the halitosis.
4) Shower daily or bring a pleasant body spray to mask any day you do not shower. No one wants to deal with your body odor, especially if you are forced into small spaces like a car.
5) Never put yourself in the situation of not having a key to your lodgings, a key to the car at hand and the ability to drive it. Being a prisoner is not what you paid for when you wrote the check for your vacation.
6) Check out the lodgings you will be staying at personally via internet and references and make sure they meet your personal standards.
7) Make sure all payments for your vacation are taken care of at least 30 days in advance of the trip. You do not want to unintentionally split the cost of someone else backing out at the last moment.
8) Always have all confirmation codes for all your flights on you at all times. Your tour guide is not your parent, and it is a mistake for them to be in sole control of such items.
9) Tour guides are not hired to parent or teach you. If you find them correcting your attempts at pronounciation of the foreign language or any other "mothering", let them know immediately their actions are inappropriate.
10) If your guide does not know the meaning of silence, do not respond to them or feed any more subject matter into any conversation. Sooner or later, they will tire of hearing themselves speak. As long as someone is responding, they will keep talking.
11) Never reveal anything too private to anyone who is not your intimate friend. They have no business knowing anything you deem personal.
12) Psychology credentials do not mean one understands human nature, social cues or have empathy for other humans.
13) Literature credentials do not mean one uses the language well.
14) Anyone who comments on how good looking your husband is too many times is up to no good.
15) If your gut tells you something, listen.
16) If you get lost more than two times during a trip with the same person leading, that person enjoys getting lost.
17) Insecurity past 60 years of age is a very ugly and sad quality.
18) If you are on a journaling trip and are not getting journaling prompts everyday that are fresh and new and well thought out, fire your journaling instructor.
19) No one wants to hear anyones life story more than once.
20) Never be afraid to take control of your life and get out of a journey gone bad.
My trip to Italy gave me one thing that is worth every penny I paid and all the misery I went through, a good friend. I truly hope Rebecca and I will stay in touch for many years to come. She is a truly wonderful person and I am honored to have her as my friend.
I do feel our guide was either having medical or mental or a combination of both problems. She constantly repeated herself, was irritable beyond a "normal" amount of time, got lost constantly, would argue about just about anything and just overall seemed to be a very sad person. She did not confide any sadness to us, but I can only explain that to see someone at her age act the way she did was heartbreaking. Since I was one of the targets of her actions, I am still working through a strong dislike of this person and trying to find empathy instead of hate towards her.
By watching our guide, and remembering her behavior, I will never have a temper again. Her knee-jerk reactions to the people working around us will forever be imprinted within me and keep me from ever coming unglued towards just about anyone, ever, again. It was just so distasteful.
I have never been a big user of profanity, but I wouldn't consider myself a prude either. After having listened to her, I doubt I will ever cuss again. It just sounds so horrible and uneducated, and I do not want to ever sound that way.
I learned to appreciate my upbringing even more than I already did. I had wonderful parents who raised me to have an open mind and heart. They taught me to respect all people. I am so thankful I had the upbringing I did, and appreciate the gifts bestowed upon me ever so much more now.
I learned to appreciate my husband and daughter even more than i already did. Mike made sure he was in contact with me every night, checking in on how I was doing, if there was anything he could do to make things better and standing by to do whatever it took for my happiness. Huge gestures of love in my opinion and so very appreciated.
I have wonderful friends. No matter the subject, we can talk and appreciate differing points of view and I love my friends because of that. After watching this person take on a superiority role in just about every situation, I thanked whatever powers that be that I only had to be around her a couple of weeks and not a lifetime.
I also had re-imparted to me that life is short. Too short for unhappiness. Too short for arguing. Too short for cruelty. I wish everyone could learn this lesson and we would have a much happier world. I am honestly sad for the person I traveled with that just has not gotten to the point in their life that they can appreciate how short and precious life is. Make the most of every moment.
Italy is a beautiful country. I will return one day to share their amazing culture again. If I learned anything about Italians, it is that no one needs to tell them that life is too short, they have mastered the art of living. =)
Look to every window as opportunity. Knock on every door. Live.
Two train rides and a private car bring us to our final destination, Orta San Guilio, on Lago d'Orta. Orta San Guilio is a sleepy little town on the edge of Lago d'Orta (Lake Orta). I am thrilled to find my room clean, no bugs, a working drain in my shower, my bed comfortable and upon opening my curtains, Lago d'Orta. I have a stunning view of Isola San Guilio in the middle of the lake, upon which is a cloistered monastery and several charming homes.
I am relieved at this point to leave the hauling and hefting of luggage on the Euro Train system behind. Our ride over featured our guide getting upset with our driver and then upon arrival, ruffling her feathers at the front desk clerk of the hotel. I have gotten to the point of hysterics I believe, as each time she gets nasty with someone, I find myself forcing back laughter. Not because anything is funny, quite the opposite, but because I am so exhausted watching her embarrass us. I have also developed the habit of going behind her at every step, apologizing to the locals, and letting them know that not all Americans are like her. I am humiliated for my country.
We take a boat over to Isola San Giulio and explore the surroundings of the monastery. A beautiful pathway winds around the island, through all the buildings and is lined with meditation quotes. It is intended to be walked in silence, which we would like to do, but our guide is obviously uncomfortable with such and continues to chatter away. We drop back as far as we can, and for a small while, get to enjoy what the meditation path is supposed to be and the silence is a gift from the universe.
Exploration of the village finds several charming shops featuring hand-crafted glass, clothing and toys. An Italian artist, Mimmo Paladino, has his work on display around the small lakeside village, and we enjoy finding each sculpture and his intriguing interpretations.
Orta San Giulio seems to be the village for lovers. At least three weddings occur in our three day stay, with the entire village joining in on the celebration. Small romantic cafes line the cobblestone walkways and my longing to be home with Mike grows stronger.
Overall, this is a wonderful place to spend the last three days of our trip. It allows relaxation, distractions and even an amazing pasta shop. Saturday night, the entire village, all generations, come out and party until the late hours of the night. I fall asleep to the medley of children laughing and screaming, music playing and the hum of several conversations in the restaurant below until near midnight the night before we leave.
Our flight home is uneventful, and I am able to transition to my new flight direct to Seattle from New York without any problems despite JFK airport being the most congested and slow moving airports I have experienced. (I was originally booked going through Denver since the trip originated there) An hour late upon take off and arrival, I walk into the baggage claim area to the delightful faces of my wonderful husband and daughter. Tears of happiness well up in my eyes after two and a half weeks of tolerating one of the most difficult people I have ever encountered.
No matter where you travel, there is no place like home.
It wasn't that bad was it? You ask.
Yes. It was, and that only scratched the surface. Within 24 hours of beginning of our trip to Italy, behavior that would have gotten my daughter grounded several times over plagued our tour guide. Did I say something to her? Yes. After a week of letting item after item go hoping for improved behavior, I could no longer tolerate anymore and let our guide know how rude, self centered and boorish she had been and that I was going home. Only an insincere apology ensued. Two things stopped me from leaving: flights were sold out for the next four days, making me feel if I could suffer through four, I could live to the end and I felt such guilt at the thought of leaving my wonderful soft spoken, kind travel-mate at our guide's mercy that I folded and remained, using every tolerance skill I had. My pointing out of her shortcomings only improved her behavior for about a day, and then she was back to her habitual demeanor. I have only scratched the surface with what we had to deal with and it is only the kindness of my heart that keeps me from mentioning every detail.
That said, on to the countryside attractions we did to entertain ourselves.
Each day gave us a gorgeous sunrise, of which only Rebecca and I had the pleasure of viewing. We got up around the same times each morning whereas our guide slept in.
The first adventure from the villa was the second smallest country in the world, next to Vatican City, San Marino. An interesting little place, full of kitschy shop after kitschy shop. Their largest touristy village was accessed by gondola and had one of the most amazing views during our trip.Shops full of fake/toy guns, shops full of tiny ceramics, shops full of stamps and coins, shops full of just about anything touristy you can think of. Proudly written up as a "shameless tourist trap", writers are right on the money. For five euro, you can have your passport stamped, which of course we had to, to prove we were silly enough to have visited the place. A great place to bide ones time.
Our second adventure was to the Museum of Suspended Time in one of the small nearby towns. Here, on display, were all the everyday items nuns abandoned when they left their convent many many years ago. Not an exciting place but interesting, and a help to pass the time.
Another day we visited the Frassassi Caves. A stunning cave system which I thoroughly enjoyed. Unfortunately, they have given exclusive rights to photographing this national treasure to only certain photographers in order to sell postcards, books and other tourist memorabilia. I sadly could not take one photo. This same day, we visited the Fabriano Paper Museum. This was also an interesting place where you can learn the art of papermaking as well as watermarking. This day went quickly and was quite interesting.
Near the end of our week at the villa, we visited the Zaccagnini Winery. It was a small winery in the middle of nowhere. A very pleasant, very busy young man accommodated our guides requests to take part of his day and give us a tour of the tiny operation.
Other than these outings, these seven days were spent hulled up at the villa, doing all we could to remain sane in our difficult situation.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Disclaimer...This is my honest opinion only, and I until now have only mentioned the good things, but at this point in the trip, tolerance has grown very thin, and this write up is well deserved.
4:45 am, Sept 19, I am in a something-hundred year old house in the middle of nowhere. My blisters from walking in the rain in Venice are throbbing so badly the pain keeps me awake. There is a dozen bugs of varying kinds playing some sort of game in my room. I suspect it is some kind of boating game since they sound like speeding boats as they fly by. The dinner the night before kindly fixed by the owners parents is not sitting well in my stomach. Tums are my best friend at the moment and I am happy the bathroom is close by.
There is a beautiful view out the front of the home out on to the valley below. A simple garden has been planted, so there are flowers and fruits to enjoy. The outside of the villa is charming and beautiful. We do have running water and my shower only has about three inches of water to stand in. Cobwebs inhabit every corner of the home, and most beams in between. Paint is peeling on all walls and furniture is faded, scratched and well worn, giving the inside of the house a wonderful feeling of slippage. We have a washer, no dryer, and all the instructions for the washer are in Italian and even the symbols might as well be Greek. We have a dishwasher, but the dishes going in have an uncanny resemblance to the ones coming out. All sorts of insects inhabit the home, including scorpions, which fortunately, we found only after five days so only two days were spent carefully examining each step. A wet towel wiped along the floor brings up a dark icky mess. How did I get here again?
I reflect back to our guide stating "now we are going to make a big deal out of being grateful for whatever they fix us" to Rebecca and me before dinner one night, and my "did you just say {insert earlier quote} to us?" and listening to our guide backtrack. My patience has grown thin with this woman after seven days of her humiliating and embarrassing behavior.
Her statement comes from Rebecca and I going into near shock when she announced that one of our meals at the villa would be rabbit. Both being animal lovers and not having a palette that could consume a bunny, we object. I remind her that I stated I was "basically a vegetarian, but could find something on most menus" and wonder why in the world would she even request such a meal. She goes into a tirade about "when in Rome..." and I let her know this is not negotiable. She pouted and canceled the meal of Thumper. When I announced horse was on the menu in our last location, she went to great lengths to let us know how she would never eat that. When in Rome.... >
There is only one key to the 'villa' and only one opener to the gate, forcing my wonderful travelmate, Rebecca, and I to have to ask as if we are children to go anywhere... not that there is anywhere to go but maybe visit the turkeys and goats up the road. Our guide is the only one with an international drivers license, and after being a prisoner, I mean passenger in their car, I vow to get my own international drivers license for any future excursions. Both Rebecca and I have learned that she does not want a navigator in the car, but she will stop in the middle of the road to examine the map herself, making other drivers on the road lay on their horns in annoyance. Both Rebecca and I are superior navigators to our "guide", but her lack of trust and her extreme insecurity make her demonstrate her amazing ability to get us lost over and over... and did I say over?...again. After several tedious outings at the mercy of her horrible navigation and driving skills, I play the driving game as we go down the road, marking every time I see a speed limit sign and noting how fast over the limit she is going. I also bide my time by noting how many times other drivers honk at her for wandering over the lines or doing other annoying actions while driving... my pages get very full.
We are informed that our guide is going out the first morning to get breakfast supplies, but at noon the first day, she has still not budged an inch. Since we are starving, we request that we all make a trip to the supermarket as we fear if left solely in her hands, we may have nothing to eat during our seven day stay. I examine our itinerary and it states "... and we'll wander the nearby restaurants or cook for ourselves as we like" and realize that nearby restaurants require driving (>.<), and 'cook for ourselves as we like' actually means "if you want to eat". I think to myself that cooking my own meals and doing dishes was not what I wanted for a "relaxing vacation" and I again wonder how did I get here? ... and I have how many days to go??? 
